The Switch
by Terrible Two-some
Summary: Spike and Angel switch bodies. Spike decides to have a little fun with Angel's life. Angel broods.


Title: The Switch  
  
Author: Kris and Christy (The Terrible Twosome)  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Feedback: Yes! Live for it.  
  
E-mail: moneal@poboxes.com  
  
Spoilers: No, this would NEVER happen  
  
Distribution: Ask me first, please.  
  
Disclaimer: Joss owns all, we own nothing. We just like to play with the characters and put them back when we're done.  
  
A/N Takes place sometime around Gone  
  
  
  
Spike's Crypt  
  
Sunnydale, California  
  
After Sunset  
  
Spike was getting ready for his date. OK, he would be the first to admit it wasn't really a date. He and Buffy would patrol, exchange a few barbs, and end up back here for sex. Sometimes, if he was lucky, the sex came first. That was his goal for tonight. He wanted to make sure the right atmosphere was set. He scattered some flowers around the crypt, lit all the candles, and turned the music on.  
  
Ah, nothing like the Dead Kennedy's to set the mood, he thought. He then pulled out the handcuffs and chains. He placed them beside the bed. In case I get real lucky tonight. As he was pulling on his shirt he felt a strange tingling start in his toes and move up his body.  
  
  
  
Abandoned Hotel turned P.I. headquarters/Angel's Lair  
  
Los Angeles, California  
  
After Sunset  
  
Angel was also getting ready. Angel was preparing himself for an exciting night of soul salvation. Knowing how crucial just the right amount of hair gel can be to his success, he carefully squeezed a blob of gel into his palm and held it up to the light. He smiled with triumph...tonight was going to be perfect after all, for the first time ever he had succesfully measured the correct gel amount suggested on the bottle! Just then he felt a tingling run through his body.  
  
Spike shook his head trying to figure out what he had just felt. There was something weird in his hand. He opened his hand and looked down. Nancy boy hair gel? Where did that come from? And what happened to my music? He looked around the unfamiliar room. Where am I? What the hell is going on here? He also noticed he felt strangely encumbered. He pulled on the waist band of his pants and looked down. Underwear? Not only underwear, but tighty whiteys. Bloody hell, someone is trying to kill me here. I feel like all my circulation is being cut off. And what is with these pants! I wouldn't be caught dead, or undead as the case may be, in these pants. Oh God, this shirt is hideous. I only know one person who dresses like this…Angel!  
  
The first thing Angel noticed was the noise. The awful, head pounding noise. What is that crap? Holding his head he looked around. I'm in a crypt?! A pretty nice one, but a crypt just the same. What am I doing in a crypt? And a crypt set for seduction at that. Someone's got himself a woman friend. He spotted the CD player and walked over to it, hoping to put a stop to the horrendous noise. As he walked, he noticed that he seemed to be flapping in the breeze, so to speak. Looking down, he realized he was wearing black jeans and no underwear. But I always wear underwear. Black jeans, how done. And what is on my feet, these things weigh a ton. A black duster? Uh oh, I can only think of one person who lives in a crypt and would be caught in this get-up… Spike!  
  
Spike ran out of the room and down the stairs. Half way down the stairs he plowed into Cordelia. He grabbed her by the shoulders and yelled, "Who am I? Tell me who I am?"  
  
"You're Angel. The same as yesterday and the day before. Did someone put an amnesia spell on you again?"  
  
"No…No, I was just checking. Making sure you remembered who I was," Spike replied as he headed back up the stairs.  
  
Cordy rolled her eyes and thought she had never seen his hair so flat.  
  
Spike went back into the room. He picked up the hair gel and started dancing around the room singing, "I'm the poofy poofster, I'm the poofy poofster." He ran his hands through Angel's hair making it stand up higher and higher. I wonder how poofy I can make it? I've got to do something about this bound up feeling. He slipped off his pants and removed that damn underwear. He looked down and burst out laughing. Oh Peaches, I'm so sorry. No wonder I'm the best she's ever had. He put his pants back on and laughed until he thought he might pass out.  
  
Once he recovered from his laughing fit, Spike started thinking about what had happened. Obviously, I somehow ended up in Soul Boy's body, but how? And why? Ah, who cares, I've waited my whole undead life for a chance to mess with Granddaddy's life, now I've got it. I'm not going to waste this opportunity!  
  
Spike was so absorbed in his evil thoughts on how he was going to ruin Angel's life, he didn't hear Cordelia yelling as she came up the stairs.  
  
"Angel! Angel! ANGEL!!" She yelled. When she reached his bedroom door, she started pounding on it, still yelling Angel.  
  
Spike yanked the door open. "Bloody hell woman! What is with the bellowing?"  
  
"I don't bellow" Cordy said, obviously offended. "I've been yelling for a couple of minutes. What are you doing up here? Why didn't you hear me?"  
  
"Was doing a bit of self-pleasuring pet. Care to help me out here?" Spike drawled, figuring this was the first of Angel's friends he could piss off.  
  
Cordy glared at him, but did not humor him with an answer. Spike then noticed she was holding something in her arms. Something squirmy. Something making horrible, screeching noises.  
  
"What in the hell is that thing?" He asked, motioning towards her arms.  
  
"This is why I was yelling for you. Conner wants his daddy. I tried to calm him down, but nothing I was doing worked. He wants you."  
  
"Why is it making that noise? Can't you make it stop?" Spike asked with desperation in his voice. It really was starting to give him a headache.  
  
"Angel, are you listening to me? I can't make him stop, he wants you." With that, she thrust Conner at Spike. "Take him."  
  
"What? Huh?" Spike grabbed the baby before it hit the floor. He held Conner under his arms, the rest of the baby dangling. Spike kept his arms extended as far as he could.  
  
"Cordelia, what am I supposed to do with this…thing?"  
  
"I don't know Angel. He's your baby. Do whatever you usually do when he is crying. Hold him. Rock him. Vamp for him."  
  
"Vamp? What do you think I am? Some sort of…" realization dawned on him. "Oh, make vamp faces. He likes that?"  
  
"Usually calms him down," Cordy replied as she left the room.  
  
"Wait!! Don't leave me alone with this.." Spike trailed off, seeing that Cordy had really left.  
  
"So, little baby, what am I going to do to shut you up?" Spike vamped out as Cordy suggested. Conner started laughing.  
  
"Oh and Angel, he needs a diaper change." Spike heard Cordelia call up the stairs.  
  
"Just bloody great!"  
  
Spike proceeded to attempt to change the stinky diaper. He managed to get the diaper off the squirming baby, but realized he didn't have any way to clean the baby, or a fresh diaper to put on him. "This just keeps getting better and better. What the hell is Angel doing with a baby? Some vampire he is. Spending his time changing nappies. Pathetic."  
  
Spike left the baby in the middle of the bed, and went in search of wipes and clean diapers. He found them and returned to the baby. When he lifted Conner up to clean him, he realized he hadn't put anything under the baby, and Angel's bed was covered in poo. This set Spike off on another fit of laughter. While he was in the middle of laughing, he felt something warm hit his face.  
  
"What the…" He reached up and realized his face was wet. He looked at Conner and spotted the source of the warm, wet fluid. "Oh, this figures. Peaches Jr. would piss on me!"  
  
After much cussing, Conner was finally clean and in a dry diaper. Spike had had enough of this being daddy stuff. He needed to get out and carry out his plans to ruin Angel's life. He opened the door to the room and called down the stairs. "Cordelia, can you get one of my loser friends to watch Conner, I want us to go out. Have a little fun."  
  
An hour later, Spike was behind the wheel of Angel's car, Cordy in the passenger seat. They had already been to one of Angel's haunts. Spike was high on his triumph there. He had successfully managed to get a number of Angel's associates very angry. He was having a great time!  
  
"So, where should we go next? Where are some more of my friends?" Spike practically spit the word friends.  
  
"Angel, I think we should go home. You obviously aren't yourself tonight, and I don't want you burning anymore bridges." Cordy said.  
  
"Screw the bridges! I'm having fun. Unless…you have some other way of having fun in mind?" Spike couldn't believe how easy this was. A few more hours and Angel's life would be completely screwed up!  
  
Then it hit him. He was in Angel's body. Where was Angel? I'm here, busy screwing up Angel's life, what is Angel doing to my life? Oh, God, what is Angel doing to Buffy?  
  
Spike slammed on the brakes. "I have to get to Sunnydale! Now! Get out."  
  
"Angel, I am not getting out of the car here! This is one of the worst parts of LA. Take me back to the hotel. I have no desire to be around you anymore."  
  
"Hell woman, what do you think I am? A chaffeur?" But Spike started the car and drove Cordy back to the hotel. After dropping Cordy off, he drove as fast as he could back to Sunnydale.  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile…back in Sunnydale.  
  
The door to the crypt crashed open.  Buffy walked in and slammed the door shut.  He was late!  How dare he keep her waiting. "Spike!  Spike!  Where the hell are you?" Her shouting echoed through the crypt walls and down to where Angel stood.  
  
Angel froze when he heard her voice.  Oh, no..., he thought to himself, Buffy...  Well, that surely answered the 'where am I' question.  I am in Sunnydale, Spike lives in Sunnydale.  And Buffy, well there could only be one reason she would slam through Spike's crypt.  He must have done something to piss her off.  Which wouldn't have to be much, as he knew of Buffy's hatred towards Spike and vica versa.  That was what brought Spike to Los Angeles back then, his quest to find the ring of Amara...so he could destroy Buffy.    Oh God, how was he going to get through this confrontation without bloodshed?  He knew he couldn't hurt her.  He loved her.  
  
Angel could hear her descending the ladder.  Time was running out.  He had to think quickly.  Wait a minute! Maybe TPTB had orchestrated this whole situation.   Perhaps his soul, his personality was zapped into Spike's body to save Buffy.  That's right...driven by an unknown force to change history!  And once he made peace exist between the two mortal enemies, he would be zapped back into his own body.  Or if she stakes me, hopefully he would rise from the ashes and find his way back to his own body.  
  
"There you are!" Buffy glared at him. "I waited for you for almost an hour!"  
  
"Buffy..." Angel began as he backed away from the angry Slayer.  "I don't want to fight... Can't we just get along?"  
  
A look of confusion crossed her face followed by a sultry smile.  "Is that so?" She stood with her hands on her hips.  Mmmmmm...playful Spike...pretending to be meek and mild, with the helpless look.    
  
Oh, God. He thought.  She looked hot.  She was wearing a black tank top, tight jeans and boots. He groaned as he watched her slowly run her hand up her hip.  He held his breath as she sauntered to where he was standing.  He senses were going wild as he inhaled the sweet smell of her familiar scent.  He closed his eyes as he felt her hands on his chest.  
  
"So, we're going with the pre-patrol sex tonight? Works for me, as long as post-patrol sex is on the agenda. You know how violence gets me hot." Buffy ran her hands up Angel's chest and started nibbling on his ear.  
  
Sex? What? Sex? Was all Angel could think. Buffy moved her mouth down to his chest and started unbuttoning his shirt. Angel felt like he was on fire. It's been so long since she's touched me like this. Ahhhh, it's heaven. Angel sighed, forgetting whose body he was in.  
  
"You like that do you? Show me how much." Buffy asked in a husky voice.  
  
Angel grabbed her shoulders and slammed his mouth to hers. He was kissing her like it had been years. Buffy moaned, "Oh Spike, you're right, I've never had it as good as you. Make me scream. I need you. Now!"  
  
Angel's thoughts were a haze, but he thought he heard her say Spike. No, that can't be right. Not Buffy. Then he remembered how the crypt was decorated, like Spike was waiting for someone….to do this! Angel pushed her away roughly. "What did you say?" He demanded.  
  
"You heard me lover", Buffy purred. "I want you to make me scream. Make me feel the way only you have ever made me feel." While she was speaking, Buffy's hand started undoing his belt.  
  
Angel pushed her away again. "Buffy, what are you talking about? I don't understand."  
  
"Spike, what type of game are you playing now" Buffy was getting angry. "Are we going to have sex or not?"  
  
Angel burst into tears. "Buffy, how could you?"  
  
"How could I what? Spike, what's wrong?" Her voice held real concern. She touched him gently on the arm. Angel started crying harder. "Spike, let's go to bed. I'll make you forget whatever has you so upset." She started slowly removing her clothes. She didn't think it was possible, but he started crying even harder.  
  
"How could you do this to me…Angel, I mean. After all the sacrifices he has made for you. He gave up his chance for happiness. So you could have a normal life. How could you sully his memory by being with this…this…scum! I'm an evil vampire! I can never love you the way Angel does. You need to go now. Go think about how wonderful Angel is and how much you love him."  
  
Buffy was confused to say the least. "Spike, did you just call him Angel? You never call him Angel. Poof or Peaches or soul boy, but never Angel. What's gotten into you? I'm going to go now. I'll come back tomorrow, hopefully you'll be back to normal by then!" As she was leaving, Angel heard her mutter, "Damn, no sex tonight!"  
  
Angel collapsed on the floor sobbing.  
  
  
  
Buffy was storming out of the crypt when she ran smack into….Angel?  
  
"Angel, what are you doing here? At Spike's crypt?" Buffy asked.  
  
"I came to stop you from making a huge mistake!" Spike replied.  
  
"Mistake? What are you talking about? You don't know anything about my life anymore, and you have no right to be interfering." Buffy was shorter than she meant to be, but the frustration of not getting her sex was overwhelming.  
  
"Is, um, Spike here?" Spike asked. "Let's go talk to him." He said, after Buffy nodded.  
  
They went down the ladder to where Angel was crying.  
  
"What are you crying about you sissy baby?" Spike asked with disgust evident in his voice.  
  
"Oh, I think you know very well what I am crying about. Buffy is sullying herself with the likes of you, I mean me." Angel in Spike's body replied.  
  
"Sullying herself? You are the best thing that ever happened to her!" Spike in Angel's body yelled.  
  
"No, I'm not! I don't have a soul, and I dream about draining her blood." Angel replied  
  
"So, I slept with Darla and tried to lose my soul again. And I have a son that I never told Buffy about! And... and, I stare at Cordelia's breasts." Spike rebuffed.  
  
"Yeah, well, I will always love Drusilla more than Buffy" Angel answered.  
  
"That's not true! Spike, you love Buffy so much more that I ever did. I left you remember, Buffy. Spike would never leave you." Spike said.  
  
"But Angel, you left her for her own good. Because you loved her so much. I don't love her enough to leave her for her own good. I'm selfish, so I stay, even though I know I'm screwing up her life." Angel said.  
  
"No, Spike, don't say that. She's never had it as good as you. You are way better than me in bed. She's even said so. I never made her scream."  
  
That did it, Angel couldn't think clearly anymore. "Yeah, well you dress stupid! No, I mean I dress stupid. And I bleach my hair. It's dumb."  
  
"You dress bad? Have you ever looked at me? Look at this hair, it sticks straight up. I go through like a tube of hair gel a day!" Angel's body said.  
  
"You do not!! Your hair isn't stupid. It is very fashionable, and sexy. Yeah, it's sexy, women love it." Spike's body replied.  
  
"Pah, I look like a poofter."  
  
"Take it back! You do not look like a poofter! Anyway, it's better than looking like a punk reject from the 80s."  
  
"Hey, Drusilla loved your look. Obviously, women still find it attractive. Buffy is having hot animal sex with you every night."  
  
"Bloody hell!" Buffy said as she left.  
  
"Now's she talking like you?" Spike's body yelled.  
  
As Buffy walked away she could still hear them arguing.  
  
  
  
"Wow! That was fun! But, I guess we'd better put them back into their own bodies." The Powers That Be said, evidently disappointed. 


End file.
